JOURNAL JANUARY 2020

January 1st 2020 @ 10 am.

Song : “ Lean on me” by Bill Withers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-59COFjB6Sk

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past; if you are anxious you are living in the future; if you are at peace you are living in the present” _ Debra Reed

This morning I woke up and it was the first day of the New Year in the rest of my life. From this moment I shall give my absolute best effort in all that I do. Some days my best will not be as good as the day before. But it will be my best. I shall keep my focus and stay aware as I navigate through the waters of life, always loving and as kind as I can be. I will work nonstop to reach the ultimate goal in my life (FREEDOM!) as I am willing to do everything I can to reach this goal. Believe it or not, many people are not willing to make that commitment and thus, their dreams and goals are never manifested in their life.

For months now I have been wanting the old year to pass me by as I was dealt blows that nearly spelled the end of me. Almost. And now I am ready, I am focused and balances and the will be no stopping me now. I’m level once again and with the life skills this experience has taught me, I shall overcome anything. So, that is my mindset as we kick off 2020. What’s yours? Are you depressed? Are you anxious? Do you know why? Have you tried living life one day at a time? THIS. HERE. NOW. That always works for me and in the process, breaking apart impossible obstacles into manageable chunks. Then one day at a time give it your best effort and if you can do that, you’ll surprise yourself, I know! I speak from personal experience. Remember. THIS.HERE. NOW!

January 4th 2020 @ 2 pm

Song: “I met a girl” by William Michael Morgan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUkL3nXVZXk

“The secret of happiness is Freedom. The secret of Freedom is courage”. _ unknown.

Another week-end and we have a bit of cold front in this part of Texas. I went outside this morning and it was chilly but feels “off” because it is still humid. Not sure how that works. I don’t recall it being like that a decade ago. I remember talking to Miller El about 15 years ago, about yoga and stretching and I bet he was close to 60 then. He told me that when you get old, your muscles and tendons dry up and you have to stretch or exercise every day or you will ache. Miller El would go to the day-room and do yoga and stand on his head for 10 minutes at least! I recall how I could not imagine being old. I was 30ish and having to exercise or ache! I’m old now and know exactly how that feels and the cold change in the weather does not feel good. Crazy, but true.

January 6th 2020 at 5 pm

Song: “Drinking problem” by Midland

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7f6HiQ2LuU

“Friends are the flowers in the garden of life” _ Unknown

On New Year’s eve, I listened to a top 100 Country Music Songs of the decade from 2010 to 2020. I’d forgotten how many good songs there were and how much country music has changed. I rarely listen to the country station as a result. It’s hard to comprehend I’ve been here on Texas death row for 20 years and a heard a decade’s worth of music when it was new. Being locked in a cage will mess with your head like that. Hard to tell where one year ends and where the next begins.

January 8th 2020 @ 10 pm

Song: “Steady love by India Arie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2M97rPDcPEg

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn to the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I remain.” Frank Herbert

Another day has gone by and and I find myself with my pen putting down my thoughts. I once thought that I was afraid of nothing but life decided to show me different. I am afraid of no man, I am not afraid of death, I am not afraid of these devils who run Texas death row now. So what’s to be afraid of? It turned out there was plenty.

I was afraid when I got the emergency call that my Mum was sick and in critical condition and might not pull through. Afraid of living without my mother. I am afraid my forever friend will never talk to me again. Very afraid of that. Afraid of facing my legal situation without my superhero attorney. So yeah, there’s a lot to be afraid of. But here’s the thing about fear. We must not let it paralyze us. When we stare true fear in the face we must retain the ability to act. That is the definition of courage. In this manner, fear can be the mind killer and destroy us. Instead, I stand before the biggest fear of all. Of the unknown. And conquer it with countermoves, preparing myself for every imaginable possibility and thereby be ready for what comes my way. Each day, each week, each month I do this until I stand in the winners circle. Freedom bathed in sunlight.

January 13th 2020 at 7 pm

Song: “If you think you’re lonely now” by Bobby Womack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRXnRwm-njM

“Cultivate love. Sow the seed of love in all hearts. Shower love on the desert sands, let the green shoots, lovely flowers, sweet harvest of nectar of joy, peace and bliss be earned by every being. That’s my wish, my mission, my vow”. Baba Sai

Every morning I wake up and begin my routine: coffee, clean my cell and exercise. I like to read of bit of positive, spiritual text before exercise to have that in the forefront of my mind and the sit and go directly into meditation. Today I came across this quote and thought it was perfect. It fits perfectly with my goal in 2020, to spread as much love as possible to everyone I come in contact with. When we cultivate love, we start with ourselves. We forgive ourselves of the mistakes we have made and love ourselves, knowing that despite our worst day ever, our worst deed ever, we are still worthy of love. Then, from this foundation, we can rain our love down upon those near and far.

The more we do this, the better we become at it. Practice makes perfect. And the wonderful amazing thing about love is that the more we give away, the more we get. Love is the only thing in our life that is like that. So, today, tomorrow and the day after that, I wake up and renew my vow to be a servant to love and in my way make the world a better place. If everyone could do that, we would all live in paradise. I think it’s a worthy goal, don’t you?

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