It seems that for the past few months I have done more thinking and reflecting than trying to write about the experiences that life sends my way. Sometimes when it seems like it’s non-stop I will sit still and listen, look and pay attention. Because the universe will send me hints and signs as to why whatever’s happened. And I try my best to learn from it. Most of the time it’s not an easy thing to go through but it is worthwhile if you learn not to do the same thing again.
I have been thinking about something to write an essay about and first thing this morning I sat down and put it on paper. It felt good to write about what I have been feeling and thinking about. And no matter what, time keeps on rolling, life continues. When we are all gone from this world and the highs and the lows that we’ve experienced have passed through the hourglass of time. Life continues. So my little life is something I can manage to make it through and maybe make a difference.
I feel good, strong and focused and ready to make the most of what comes my way. I feel like some good things are coming and I just need to be in the right place at the right time. That is my goal and nothing or no one is going to stop me from reaching it. And that feels good. It feels right and like what I need to do.
Wednesday 6th February 2019
This morning I woke up with a grand plan! Me and my neighbour “Big G” went to outdoor recreation and got some much needed fresh air. We were the first ones out at 6 am and it was nice and cool, and it felt great. We laughed and carried on about the insanity of this entire death row experience and man, I was feeling great and had a mental list of things to do and was on a roll… Or so I thought. We got back into the cell and I started my usual cleaning and washing and was surprised by actually going to the shower. So I was back into my cell, got the washing and cleaning done when the guy in the dayroom announced: “Look out F- section C (my housing section on the pod), pack your stuff! All of you are moving!” DAMN!
So there we go in a flurry of activity, and plans to do something specific are out of the window, because being moved is not an option. You’re going – the easy way or the hard way, but you are going. I immediately started getting my stuff together and was ready in about 30 minutes. About 4 hours later they showed up and started moving all 14 guys in the section. We went from F section on pod C to F section on pod B! Where all this moving nonsense began about a year ago. So I was in a new cell and had to clean it up and set my world up, and put everything in its place. Now I have that done and though tired, I am not angry we moved. It’s part of doing time and we are in a better spot to boot!
Friday 8th February 2019
I was up early today and cleaned one more time and this new spot feels like mine at last. I spent the morning talking to a friend called “PG” as he was in the dayroom. We were laughing at my friend and neighbour “Big G”. I had “volunteered” (G’s word!) to cook us some enchiladas today and when me and PG were talking and commented that Big G was still asleep, and I said “Huh- I told G that I was going to cook us a feast but he’s still asleep! His light is off. I guess that means he’s not hungry! Ha!” PG and I laughed and PG said “He heard you, he’ll wake up in a minute.” And sure enough – about 15 minutes later I glanced over to his cell and you guessed it, his cell light is on! So I call him, “Big G Are you awake?” He immediately responded in his deep voice: “Yeah – And I am hungry too!” Heh heh! We all fell out laughing. He was listening to me and PG. So I cooked us a nice feast and I sent Big G his half for today we don’t have to eat what the state of Texas wants to give us. No, today we eat like kings.
I am in a very good section with several guys I am very cool with and Big G is one my best and closest friends. Our cells are clean and the radio antenna reception is great on this pod. When all you have is the radio to stay connected to the outside world, that’s a big deal. Now if I can stay here for 6 or 12 months, things will be alright!
Sunday 10th February 2019
It’s evening time here and I am tired but I feel good at the different things I was able to accomplish. Lots of writing done, including this last page for the journal. I was excited to come up with the project to get the “Essays from Texas death Row” book available in English. It was like I remembered I wanted to do that after a long time. All week long it was very cool in this part of Texas and it was very nice to not be sweating, with my fan blowing and it’s supposed to be winter. Every time I think that, I also think about the current government in Washington – White house does not believe in global warming.
Tomorrow is our outside recreation day and I am ready to get out of this cell and get some fresh air. I’ve been cooped up all weekend in this small cage and need to get out. I’ve always wondered how or why it feels better go from a small cage, this cell, to a bigger one. The recreation area can feel better. Somehow it does.
I have not heard anything about my Mum or when she might go home from rehab. I wish that were different. So I focus on what I am in control of: my working to make the required difference my situation needs. Because nothing will stop me from reaching my goal. Because I am more determined and relentless than ever on that fight. And it feels good saying that, and being that and doing that in this incredible journey called life.