Journal – December 6th, 2019

Friday 6th December 2019 at 3 pm

songs: “Aqualung” and “ Bungle in the Jungle” by JETHRO TULL

“Dream as if you will live forever and live as if you will die today”_ Unknown

To survive the insanity that is life on Texas death row, you, by necessity learn to wear armour on your mind. The longer you are confined to death row, the thicker and heavier these armours become. Now wearing these armours and being fully human_ feeling your joy and pain and attending to it_ is like oil and water. They do not mix. The armour requires you to numb yourself, to paralyse yourself and not feel anything. This is how you survive the systematic murdering of all those around you. As you live, you learn that life is a journey and if you are blessed, you start to learn the reason why you are going through what you are going through, and hopefully some wisdom and spiritual enlightenment dawn on you. But the situation called death row has a way of reaching up and sinking its claws into you, pulling you back into the mud. So you learn to do less with the mental armour, but the insanity befalls you and out of necessity you put it back on. This Tuesday, the pressure cooker was turned up again with those devils putting us on lockdown 60 days since the last lockdown. This requires me and those around us to go from a “Christmas festive mode” to a “Lockdown mode”, a mentality that is more negative than positive. It’s not a fun or enjoyable transformation to put yourself but it’s required nonetheless. Those devils are coming to root through my cell I do not appreciate that. Such is life on Texas death row during the Christmas holidays. I did finish my Chrismas mail and I am free to read books and listen to the radio, and I focus on that, counting my blessings even now!

Saturday 7th December 2019 at 8 pm

Song: “Strawberry letter 23” by Brothers Johnson


“Motivation gets you going, inspiration keeps you going”_ Todd Stocker.

Here we are again and I have spent the day reading, exercising, doing spiritual practice, and listening to college American football games. I have listened to some good games and as I write I’m listening to a great game. This building where Texas death row is housed is like a ghost town when we are on lockdown. On one hand I enjoy the lack of movement because peace and silence are bliss to me, but on the other hand it is annoying because these devils have ruined our Christmas holiday. No commissary, no Christmas feast or treats, so that is not easy to shake off. Each day I get out of bed that intention: accept the situation and put up no resistance. So far so good… I think. I heard of the Remedy Art-show event on the prison show last night that will be held next spring. All proceeds made for the art sold will be donated to a 7 weeks art program for juveniles who are on probation. I’ve been thinking of what I will create and donate and I have a good idea. I am feeling good about that and I want to create a unique piece that will also express what inspires and motivates me. Because without that we are nothing. So positivity can be found, you just have to look for it and when you find it, don’t let it go. Build on it and keep pushing forward. Nothing less acceptable in my life. Not now, not ever. And for now that is my focus and what will get me through.

Sunday 8th December 2019 at 9 am

song: “Lover” by Taylor Swift


“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door” _ Milton Berle.

Woke up this morning to Acoustic Sunrise and a hot cup of coffee. Thank Goodness that it’s a little cooler here and it does not feel like summer in December. Some good music, hot coffee and cool temps is a great way to start my day. I have my day planned out in my head and I will write some and listen to the NFL games that begin at noon. Yesterday got an idea how the shakedown is going; slow. None of these people who work here want to come in and do their job. It’s funny …if it did not mean I’ll be locked in this cage for 2 or 3 weeks. I think we’ll be lucky if they get to my pod next week. Whatever. I’m over it and I am in lockdown mode, determined to keep if pushing forward. I saw PG (Travis Runnels) last Wednesday going to visit and had a chance to ask him was there any good news? He said no, the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals had denied his stay of execution on Tuesday. I remember the expression on his face when he told me this, from when I was on death watch in 2016. Not good. His execution date is on 11th December 2019. No matter how motivated or how inspired, how much at 100% you are operating at, while on Texas death row, there is no forgetting the fact that even two weeks away from Christmas, the devils are planning on murdering you. Then they’ll go celebrate baby Jesus, no big deal. It is in that regard that I say this entire situation is insane. This is why I contrive to work at making that door to walk through when the opportunity to break through into freedom at last!