“when you get into a tight place and everything goes against you ‘till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time when the tide will turn.”
Harriet Beecher Stowe.
As I sit in my cell on Texas death row and allow my mind to travel freely through the past, the present and the future I think about what it has been like for me these past couple of months. I have experienced pain and grief like I never have before. Feelings so intense they scared me and made me question whether or not I would survive them. While going through the process of mindfully accepting these feelings I sat with my very painful emotions and felt their fire within and without myself and through the mindful ability to receive the new reality the Universe has given me I have not been found lacking. I am stronger and more compassionate of others feelings as a result.
I have a very special forever friend who suffered a devastating loss about a year ago and one the hardest things about that kind of situation is that you care about your friend but there is nothing you can do to make things better. And that is exactly what I want to do — that’s how I am wired I want to make things better and not being able to do that makes me feel helpless and I hate feeling helpless. It was also difficult for me to understand what my friend was going through because I’d never experienced anything like that. When my mother passed away, in an instant I knew exactly what my friend felt because I was on the other side and having experienced something similar to my friend’s loss, this made me even more aware and understanding and compassionate because I understood on a personal level what that felt like. So when it was my friend’s turn to try and console me and she said she knew she could not do anything to make it better but she was there for me. Still that made a difference to me. I think about these kinds of situations and how they are learning experiences for me and how I am able to grow and understand life and death and everything in between in this amazing journey we call life. And with learning these life’s lessons I find that I am better able to put them into practice in the relationships I have with my friends.
I can’t tell you when exactly it happened but a few weeks ago something inside me changed. And for the first time in a long time I feel like my old self again. Not only do I feel one hundred percent I also have an intuitive feeling that the storm that began to rage through my life in last October. hitting its climax in March has finally blown itself out. And things have taken a turn for the better as we move into a new phase in the epic saga that is my life, which brings me back to the above quote that I began with – when I was being rocked to my core with one bad thing after another happening in my life to the point to where I did not think I could take anymore, I knew I had to hold on for just a little while longer. Because life is such that there are forces in it which for reasons unknown, throw us this way and that, up and down seemingly trying to break our will, shatter our hope and faith that a better future is to come. And when I was in the throes of my crisis I never lost sight of that I desperately hung on to this truth. There were times when I was living from minute to minute just focusing on making it through to the next. And when I’d reach the end of one day physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted I knew that tomorrow would be a new beginning and one day things would be different. And now something inside me is whispering that the tide has turned and now is the time to prepare for a new life, a new beginning because it comes my way. So much of being able to cope with my situation is mental for me – if I can imagine the new reality that is coming my way then I am good. If I have got thoughts to help me stay anchored when the doubts and questions creep up on me, then I am able to keep my focus and balance. Because the easy part is when I’m with my legal team or with a forever friend in visitation happy and excited envisioning the future that will be in my life. Everything is fine and dandy when we’re out there sharing that wonderful energy. The real mind game descends upon me when I’m put back into this cell that can easily turn into a torture chamber as the unknown and doubts begin to bombard me.
If I have those core responses to repeat as a mantra on how things will be then I can make it through that and everything else. Because in many ways my world is a new reality for me. Things are different for me and for the first time in what seems like forever I’m at full strength and man does that feel good! I Think about that and I know I could not have gotten back to my old self without the help of all my friends and supporters. That’s the thing about life when you really are hurting and going through difficult times you find out who cares, I know! When your forever friends surround you and let you know they care even if they can’t make it better — that’s love.
Thank you to everyone who’s been there letting me lean on you and talk to you and in the process make sense of all that’s happened. I want you to know that you can count on me whenever you need me. Now and forever more.
LOVE PEACE HOPE & LAUGHTER!
Charles D. Flores No:999299
Texas death row