Journals _ From 10th September to 13th September 2020

Thursday September 10th 2020

Today I have found the desire to pick this pen up again and bleed. You might think it’s easy to write for someone like me, to document my thoughts and emotions. But it’s not. Especially when I can find nothing but negative inside of me, all around me, with no light in sight. But today I have decided to write two or three things that I am thankful for. When you live in a cage, it can be difficult to find thing for which to be grateful, so I go back to the basics.

I am grateful for being able to fall asleep. Last night, the first time I lied down at midnight and slept until 8 am. That counts for a minor miracle in this dump. These devils continually wake us up. A good night’s rest helps me get up out of bed and begin my day searching for the new beginning that I need and want. Each morning carries the possibility, the promise of a new beginning, so there is always that and I believe in myself, no matter the setback, the betrayal, the misplaced trust. I will bounce back. I am grateful for the start of our American NFL pro football season tonight. Football helps my mind leave this hell even if it’s for a few hours. This weekend will give us Saturday filled with College/University football games and Sunday and Monday night filled with NFL pro games. I need the release. And I am grateful for my faithful old “classic” radio that helps me listen to all the games, news and music. That helps me stay alive. So there it is. A start.

Friday September 11th 2020

So Sheree asked me to write about my daily life, so I will try. We’ve been locked in our cells since June and no opportunity to get out for anything. No recreation, no visitation, so I am in this 9 X 12 feet cage for months in a row. The new normal post Covid-19 is we might get one or two hours recreation period per week. There is no pattern or schedule on our recreation any more. Up until June we had recreation 5 days a week, Monday through Friday. Now? It’s whenever these devils show up and ask if we’re going for recreation. Maybe tomorrow I will get recreation and a few hours out of this cage. Recreation or time out of your cage is a big deal when that is all you get. They just passed out mail and I got some photos from a friend and I am grateful for that. I am grateful she understands I see nothing except 4 walls in this hell hole, so she shows me things I want to see. I like Instagram posts, comments, and friends and family too. So that piece of love and light illuminated my little world, forcing the darkness back some. And I am grateful. So what you witness is my resilience and my fighting back once again because I told you Mothertrucker, I would bounce back from this too. Now watch me! The weekend is here and I’ll write plenty of letters and maybe I can find some inspiration to write a new essay. We’ll see!

Saturday September 12th 2020

Another day locked in this cell. I was wrong in thinking/hoping I might get recreation today. To run showers, the rocket scientist who runs this dump for two night shifts guards to work four more hours to have three guards on the pod. Tat makes for a 16 hours day for those two lucky individuals. I’d laugh at them if it didn’t mean I get no rec!

Saturdays are wash days for me and I do my sheets in my sink. Meaning I wash them by hand, which is a real pain. I think that when I finally get a washer and a dryer I will not know what to do with myself then!

I am doing my best at trying to keep my focus and talk myself into doing what I need do. Having a bit of difficulty with that but it’s like that sometimes. I’ve been thinking about what I’m grateful for today and there’s not a lot of options! Haha! I am grateful for the sports page in the Dallas Morning newspaper. It’s NFL season and I have been able to read the pre-season training camp reports and learn what my team is looking like. Reading and informing myself is something I appreciate. So there is that. The main focus is being on and looking forward to the NFL season which begins tomorrow. One day at a time and maybe we’ll reach our destination. If we keep on pushing.

Sunday September 13th 2020

I was up early this morning to shower and finish up some cleaning and washing. Back in this cage for the day and I have listened to the morning sports talk programs on the games to be played today. Looking forward to that. As I sit and listen to the afternoon games I have been finishing up a few origami figures to use in a couple of mobiles. I thought about trying to do some art work and finish a card I have had started for a month now, but that’s a far as I have got. I have a couple of cards to write and send out. Our best effort changes from day to day. When we are at full strength, we are capable of much. When we are not doing so well, our best is not so great. Today, this is my best effort and it has to be enough. I am very grateful for the NFL Sunday night football game where the Cowboys will play the Rams. It’s been 6 months since we’ve had any real football games that count. Who knows if we’ll get an entire season but we’ll get one tonight and I’m ready and excited. So that is what will get me through to the next day. So today is good, better than yesterday and that is something for which to be grateful too. I am also grateful for a book I am re-reading, titled : “Things no one else can teach us” by Humble the Poet. When I re-read good stuff, it helps me remember the light when darkness abounds. Go Cowboys!

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