Journal May (continued)

May 13th 2020

Song: “Silver blue and gold” by Bad Company

“The day you plant the seed is not the day you eat the fruit” _ Jennifer Garner

Time flies for me and that feels good to me. When I can focus on this morning, this hour, this moment in time, then I excel. I block out the distractions and get on with doing what needs be done. I have gotten a lot of messages of love and support in the past week and I am grateful. I have gotten renewed pledges of friendship and that is great. It’s the foundation of my fight and where it all comes from. I am deeply moved by such friends. They are the opposite of self-centered fair weathered friends who are with you when it’s all happy and fun and positive. But let it get hard, they’re gone with the wind. Did you ever noticed that? But like the saying goes, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. I ought to be ten feet tall and made of steel then. Haha!

It feels good planting the seeds that I hope to harvest in the future. My mantra is “keep on pushing!”. When I’ve done all I can in that moment I let up, take a break and do something else. Maybe write letters, listen to radio programs, whatever. Then back at it. I know as long as I do my part and trust the Universe to do her part, sooner or later I’ll be able to harvest and eat the fruit! That thought makes me smile and keeps me going.

May 15th 2020

Song: “3rd degree” by Eric Clapton

“No matter how you feel. Get up, dress up, show up and never give up.” Addiction prevention coalition.

In case you don’t know it’s difficult to sleep well in prison or on Texas death row. Guards come through, opening and shutting doors, they shine flashlights in on you when you are asleep, it’s never ending. Then you have prisoners who choose to sleep during the day so they yell and make noise all through the night. Breakfast is served at 3 am, most days, probably 2 hours after I have passed out from a full days work here, back awake you are if you want your breakfast.

So, oftentimes you can sleep during that for 6 hours and wake up feeling exhausted. I’ve never been able to stay up all night and sleep during the day. Some people can, but not me. I sleep when I’m supposed to sleep. At night. This affect what my best effort is. At times, it’s not all the way to the top, but it’s still my best. And on those days I make myself get up. I square away my cell, I put my trainers on and commissary bought clothing: white T-shirt and white gym shorts and I show up. For me, there is no other way to do it. I really feel the quote I share today and you know that’s when we have to do what we need do, whether you are on Texas death row or at home on lockdown because of covid-19. We gotta show up and never give up!