Journal_ November 2019

Wednesday 6th November 2019

Just a short while ago, Justin Hall was executed by lethal injection. They say he “was done” and volunteered. What kind of environment, live situation, living conditions will grind a man down to the point that he asks those devils to kill/murder/execute him? That’s my reality, that’s what I live with, 24 hours a day. I have to insist and say that no one can comprehend what pressure, stress, anxiety and torture I am going through, unless they are locked in a solitary confinement cell on Texas death row with me. I am in my 21st year living this death row experience and at times the fog gets so thick and so dank I lose myself and even forget basic truths like that and I have been known to become lost in the Bermuda triangle that is my mental health issues and act in ways I regret. When it’s like that, please try to understand that I am going through something which makes healthy people beg to be murdered- and forgive me. I AM working on myself and will eliminate the nonsense from my character. In the meantime, know there is NO quit in this “Guerrero” (Warrior in Spanish) as long as there is breath in my body, my strength of soul shall sustain me and I’ll never be “done”. I am not the one.

“Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, in nothing, great or small, large or petty, never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.” Winston Churchill.

Be it 1 year or 20, I will never be broken. This year has tested me like never before and it was close to killing me with immense losses. But I am back, strong and ready. I gather myself and plan my next step forward, not backwards. We’re close. One more hard push and we will break through into the sun.

Thursday 7th November 2019

I saw Glenna at visit today and it was very nice to do that. There is nothing like getting out of the insanity which is life on death row. Going from the living/housing areas on death row to the visitors room is like going from the underworld, the land of the dead, to the land of the living. It is that much incredible. In fact I had a visit yesterday with Linda, and to be able to stay away from this death row insanity is great. It also takes me time to readjust from that reality to this one where I am in a tiger cage that is 9 X 12 feet in size, day and night. Visits are love. They are the ultimate physical manifestation of love someone has for a death row prisoner. I can never get enough of that kind of love.

Friday 8th November 2019

Today, from 4 to 6 pm Texas time, I enjoy a radio program called “Afrotronics” on KPFT.org (where you can listen via streaming on the internet) and I listen to music from all over the world. The DJ is “KOOL EM DEE” (instagram@koolemdee) and listening to him is me and my partner Obie’s routine. It’s part of our coping skills. We do yoga, we meditate, we listen to great music. Check him out if you so desire and receive the cool vibes that our brotha Kool Em Dee sends out across the air and follow him on IG.KPFT/AFROTRONICS. It is a listeners sponsored radio, so ask him how you can donate, thereby keeping him on the air and a part of my coping mechanism too. Make sure he knows me and Obie are neighbors and that we are fans! And could you please donate in our name. Love is what makes the world go round!

Saturday 9th November 2019

This morning was the first time this “winter” that I went outdoors for recreation and it was very cool outside. It was 40° F (4,44° Celsius) which is winter for us in Southeast Texas. When I was in the outside recreation yard and put my TDCJ state issued jacket the way the morning atmosphere felt transported me to when I was free, some 20 years ago, starting the morning work day. I remember I used to hate waking up early for work. Now I’d give anything to have that opportunity. It’s funny what you miss when you are locked up in a cell on Texas death row. The seasons have changed and we’re moving into the cold part of the year. I enjoy the cold. I think it’s the whole wanting what you don’t have thing. People who have cold all the time want heat, and I want cold. I enjoy going out in the morning when it’s cold and even though the memory is bittersweet, I’m grateful to still be able to remember what it was like to be free. Because the only thing sadder than not being free is not remembering what it was like. That would be the saddest thing of all.

Sunday 10th November 2019

Slept a little late and am just now getting going in the afternoon. It’s hard to sleep in this place, the doors are always slamming, gates always clanging, lights always coming on, guards always talking, even when we try to sleep at night. I think that’s why I sometimes sleep all night and wake up feeling tired out. Sundays is no recreation, so during the day there is a little peace and quiet for which I’m grateful. One of these days, I’ll be free again and exist in a place where there is much peace and tranquility. I cannot wait!

Monday 11th November 2019

It’s a three days week-end, because Veterans day is observed today. For me, it’s an extra day before we get mail again and no visits in my real life world on Texas death row. You would be correct in thinking that most guys here live from one “mail call” (when our mail is delivered by the guards) to the next. It’s affected me so much that in July I was having anxiety attacks that come from the delay in mail delivery. But that’s another story entirely. The point is that our mail is super important.

My father, Catarino Flores was an Air Force Veteran. I think about one of the last talks me and Dad had. I believe he served from 1958 to 1962, a single enlistment. What was interesting was that Dad caught the eye of a major. I think it was , and became part of his staff. With that major, Dad traveled extensively. He went to South Korea, Japan, Europe, and was proud of that. My father was a proud American who always had an American flag flying out on the porch of our home. The military taught Dad discipline and matured him allowing him to become the man he was. I think of him today and honor his memory on this day. On days like this, I would like to visit his grave in the Veterans National Cemetery in Arlington, Texas, and lay some flowers there. And let him know that while he may be gone, he is not forgotten. Never forgotten. It’s a quiet day in this concrete tomb and there are my thoughts on this Veterans day.

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